Self-worth in a PhD

I just returned from a dinner at Queen's College . The dinner was part of a seminar held earlier today. It was organised by my supervisor and I thought that I would give her my support :)

Two lessons learnt-
a) One should always attend dinners in Cambridge with suit and tie. Well in my defense, I wasn't planning to come along but there were extra places and I was invited :)

b) Looking back, I realise I'm getting better at these Cambridge dinners where you basically sit there physically but let your mental energy be channelled elsewhere. It's not always that one gets an interesting person sitting next to you or, more importantly, a person who is even interested in talking to you.

More to the point, I sat next to a professor (I think) who is from Princeton (I think) and who was probably visiting Cambridge. In fact, there were two of them (from US) speaking to another two fellows from Cambridge and one of the fascinating issues (at least to me) is the comparison between the quality of students in Cambridge vis-a-vis Princeton. To my disappointment, though not necessarily unexpectedly, both of the American professors concluded that the quality of the Cambridge undergraduates were probably comparable even though they are generally less expressive than those in Princeton. However, in terms of essay-writing, the quality of the Cambridge ones are probably slightly better or comparable. The quality of Mphil is less and PhDs either less or comparable.

Now, given that I'm doing a PhD here. This doesn't bode well for me :)

The professor agreed strongly to my choice of doing a post-doc in the States. He strongly recommended that I ought go to the US or return to Singapore (where he visited a couple of years and was obviously impressed with it) instead of staying here in the UK. Of course, I didn't press the point of what he's doing here taking up a fellowship in Cambridge if he doesn't think that highly of it (it could well be that he's interested in a holiday though he did say that he enjoyed interacting with the undergraduates).

Alright, dude- what's the point?

I guess having self-worth is one of those issues that one needs to have as a PhD candidate. There're always better programmes elsewhere, more famous mentors, better funding, more rigourous training, more prestigious setting, more illustrious alumni... or that someone else has more publications, better support, stronger referees, greater exposure.... at the end of the day, one simply needs to either filter out these negative thoughts and press on or to take on board some of the criticisms and work on them. However, if one capitulates, then it's over.

A PhD is as much learning to be humble and yet confident. I'm hoping that a ability to sell one self is not essential even if it does seem to be an useful skill to have.

What then as a Christian? How should one approach this issue as a Christian?

In the first place, if we are sure that God has placed us here in a graduate programme, then we should trust that He would provide. Nothing happens by chance. If He is in control, then we should do our part and trust that He would too.. (what worries me sometimes/ constantly is that He only called me to faithfulness not necessarily greatness...)

I'm not sure if Romans 12:3 or Philipppians is applicable in this instance but this issue of self-esteem will certainly be one of those issues that will return over and over again.